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By Ed Sherman |
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Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles
to Agreement: Ten Steps
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Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life Divorce and Your Credit – Some Tips to Help Your Credit History Survive Divorce Separation and Divorce is Not the End of Your Life Child Support: 5 Key Things Every Parent Should Know Coping with Jealousy and Suspicion After a Divorce The Importance of Choosing the Right Divorce Lawyer How Can Collaborative Law Be Beneficial In Your "Texas Divorce"?
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If you run into trouble later, come back and double-check these steps.
1. Make some "New Life" resolutions: Start thinking of yourself as a
whole and separate person. You may feel wounded, but you are healing and
becoming whole and complete. Keep that picture in mind. Pain and confusion
are part of healing.
Let go of old attachments, old dreams, old patterns that don't work; this is
your chance to build new ones. Decide you will not be a victim of your
spouse or the system or yourself. You will not try to change or control your
spouse--that's all over now, it doesn't work, it's contrary to the meaning
of divorce.
Concentrate on yourself, especially on your own actions. You can do
something about what your spouse does by changing what you do.
Concentrate on your physical health, your work, children, friends. Try to
become quiet and calm. Keep your life as simple as possible.
2. Insulate and protect your children: Involving children will surely
harm them and upset both parents as well. Keep them well away from the
divorce. Tell them the truth in simple terms they can understand, but don't
discuss the divorce or your problems in front of them. Don't involve the
children or pass messages through them. Don't let them hear you argue or
hear you criticize their other parent.
Let your children know you both love them and will always be their mother
and father, no matter what happens between you.
3. Get safe, stable and secure, just for a while. Your first and most
important job is to do whatever you must to arrange short-term safety,
stability, and security for yourself, the children, and your spouse--in that
order.
This doesn't mean forever, just for a month or a few months at a time. Don't
be concerned yet about the long-term or the final outcome, and we're talking
about minimum conditions here, not your old standard of living.
Don't even try to do anything else until minimum conditions are met.
You can't negotiate if you don't know where you will live, how you will eat,
if you are afraid for your safety, or if you think your house is about to be
foreclosed or your car repossessed.
4. Agree on temporary arrangements: If you can work out your own
temporary arrangements, you won't need an attorney to get temporary court
orders.
Start by agreeing that you want a fair result and that you will both act
fairly. Agree to communicate before doing anything that will affect the
other spouse or the estate or the children. The goal here is to avoid
surprises and upset, especially including things like closing accounts or
starting legal actions.
It takes a long time for things to settle down and for the spouses to work
out a final agreement. Meanwhile, you have to arrange for the support of two
households on the same old income, the parenting of minor children, making
payments on mortgages and debts, and so on.
It will work better if your temporary arrangements are put in writing. If
you have trouble working this out, use techniques and resources discussed
below.
5. Slow down, take some time: If you can make your situation safe and
stable for a while, you don't have to be in a hurry.
Think of divorce as an illness or an accident; it really is a kind of
injury, and it takes time to heal. You have to go slow and easy, be good to
yourself. Some very important work goes on during this slowdown.
6. Get information and advice: First, organize your facts, records
and documents. When you're ready to start, you can go to
www.nolodivorce.com
and get worksheets that will help you do this.
You'll want lists of assets, deeds, statements, account numbers, income and
expense information, tax returns and wage stubs. Get information from your
records and from your accountant, from recent tax returns, and from your
spouse.
Spouses should have a full and open exchange of information: it helps to
build trust and confidence, and, in many states, it's the law, so you might
as well just go ahead and do it. If information is not exchanged freely
outside of the legal system, you will probably end up in court with
attorneys doing very expensive discovery work.
Next, learn the rules for divorce in your state as they apply to your case.
You especially want to know how predictable the outcome would be if your
facts were taken before a judge.
You may find some useful books on the laws of divorce for your state or you
may decide to get some legal advice. For more information on how to do this,
see Chapter 6 of Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better,
published by Nolo Press Occidental.
Be very careful where you get advice. Your friends and relatives will be a
fountain of free advice, but don't take it--the price is too high if they're
wrong. They mean well, but probably don't know what they're talking about.
Use your friends for emotional support, but take advice only from an
attorney who specializes in divorce. Don't take advice from paralegals or
people who run typing services; they're not trained for it.
7. Focus on needs and interests; don't take positions yet: A position
is a stand on a final outcome: "I want the house sold and the children every
weekend."
In the beginning, there's too much upset and too little information to
decide what you want for an outcome. Taking a position is bad
negotiating--it's an invitation to an argument: the other side either agrees
or they disagrees and you're in an argument rather than a discussion.
It's better to think and talk in terms of needs and interests. These are
your basic concerns: "I need to know I'll have enough to live on. I want a
good relationship with my children. I want an end to argument and upset."
When put this way, these are subjects that you and your spouse can discuss
together.
8. Stick with short-term solutions: Concentrate on short-term
solutions to immediate problems like keeping two separate households afloat
for a few months; keeping mortgages paid and cars from being repossessed;
keeping children protected, secure, stable, in contact with both parents.
These are things you can try to work on together.
9. Minimize legal activity: You want to avoid any legal activity
unless it is necessary--zero is best, or the minimum required to protect
yourself or get your case started.
Ideally, you will avoid retaining an attorney and you won't give your spouse
any reason to retain an attorney.
10. Get help if you need it: Consider counseling for yourself or your
children. For help with talking to your spouse, consider couple counseling
or go see a mediator.
Mediators and counselors are low-conflict professionals who can help with
emotional issues, defusing upset or, in the case of the mediator, with
making agreements for your temporary arrangements.
If you follow these steps, you'll be well on the way to working out your
agreement.
If you and your spouse slip easily into conflict, read the article
It is very important that your spouse has this information, too. Try to get
him or her to read this article or go t and get your spouse a copy of the book from which this article was
excerpted.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books by calling (800) 464-5502.
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