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By
Ed Sherman |
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Anatomy of a Divorce: How it
Really Works
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That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to
attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a
piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support.
You might think that a legal
divorce will solve your problems, but it
probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so
you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set
yourself up for frustration and disappointment.
Your real divorce is about ending one life and beginning
another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The
real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a
new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been
dealt.
Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help
you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of
practical problems.
How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing
else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt,
guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are
feeling.
The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially,
how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and
friends, what to do next, and so on.
In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges:
Emotional: This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds,
patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's
about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment.
You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop
a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create
self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships.
Physical: Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not
come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored,
denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce,
people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill
frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good
care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful
when driving.
Practical: This is about taking care of business on the physical
plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do,
where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for
yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your
children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need
and needs no more than you can produce.
Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is
demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do.
And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real
divorce won't cost a dime!
This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any
Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues
described above. Learn more by going to
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.
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