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Dating After Weight Loss Surgery: A Look into a Secret Social Playground By Kaye Bailey    |
For younger weight loss surgery patients meeting and dating someone is a great motivator to lose weight. This is natural: we are a species that mates, often for life. But we are a picky species seeking the prettiest and brightest for our mate. That's why many of us who grew up overweight feel rejected by the species. Overweight children who become overweight adults almost universally say they did not date during their teenage years. Too fat. Too shy. Fear of rejection. We want to think our society has evolved beyond the superficial, that we will be loved for who we are inside. Do you remember your mother saying, "Pretty on the inside is what counts." I heard that often and it confirmed what I already knew, I wasn't one of the pretty people. Studies confirm that our evolved species is jaundiced against the overweight. Nowhere is this more evident than in the dating and mating of young people. One LivingAfterWLS community member, Connie*, now a svelte size 6 at age 30 told me, "As a teenager it never occurred to me that I would go on a date. I knew I didn't qualify because I was fat.

I simply accepted the fact that I was fat, unworthy and ugly simply because I weighed more than the girls my age." She went through high school and college never dating. I saw pictures of Connie in high school. She was a pretty teenager and a bit chubby. But she perceived herself as ugly and unworthy. Did she make herself unreachable by hiding in her obesity and self-loathing? Or did a prejudice society cause her to retreat within herself? Perhaps a little of both.

Girls Gone Wild

When the same people who suffered this rejection and self loathing through adolescence lose weight they often report a euphoria as they enter the world of "the normal." Connie told me, "When I realized I had a thin body to match my "pretty face" I moved in on that feeling and went wild making up for lost time. I became a flirt and a charmer, a real tart. Suddenly I was one of the girls I used to hate, the kind who never buys her own drink or dinner, the girl who is the social hub of the office. I told myself life isn't fair and for such a long time I was on the rejection side of unfair, now it was my time to take. At last I was a member of the secret society of pretty people."

Weight loss surgery counselors report this is not uncommon, though they suspect more patients experience this euphoria than just those who are talking about it. One counselor for a renowned bariatric center told me, "You know who they are when they come for their follow-up. They are wearing sassy clothes and they have hairstyles and make-up. These are the girls we saw a year before in bib-overalls without make-up wearing their hair in a ponytail. Now they've lost this weight and blossomed into gorgeous women and they are on the prowl making up for lost time."

Post-op Romeos

Counselors tell me it's not just the women who transform. This counselor has seen her share of "post-op Romeos." Overweight men are notoriously the "funny guy" who is loud and often the brunt of the joke. Evan*, a WLS-Romeo told me, "I used to make the fat joke before someone else did." Evan was wearing tailored trousers, a perfectly pressed shirt and tasseled loafers. He was indeed handsome. He said, "I never dated, never even considered it. Who would want to date a whale?" he asked poking fun at his former self. "Now I have ladies flocking to me and my motto - 'Love them all.' I'm not sure this [weight loss] is going to last so I'm not wasting any time. 'Love them all' " he repeated.

*Names changed per request of the subjects.

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